84 Days Until Con

When I was 18 I moved to a new town.  I had already put on my freshman 10 plus some and then life changed.  No one knew me.  I was always out doing things.  No more were there the people from my childhood mocking me, I was free.  I joined in all sorts of activities drank too much and had a good time.  I lost almost 100 pounds.  I could make a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese last for 3 meals with no butter and no milk since I could not afford them.  YAY!!!  Then I moved back home.  Mom's home delicious home cooking caused the weight to creep back up.  I have been struggling since then.  UGGG.  I was doing ok.  Not great but ok.  While I was happy in Texas, I was a reasonable weight.  So much in fact that people thought I was too thin.  WOOOOOOTTTTT!  I loved being this weight....yess I lost my boobs but I will take that if my belly goes away too.

Me and Chessie in a Medium Size T-Shirt 

85 Days Until Dragon Con

Last night I tripped and broke my toe.  RAH!!!! Well this derails my walking habit on Wednesday with my gals Cindy and Julie.  Every Wednesday my WW buddies Julie and Cindy and I get together to go walking.  It is about 2.5 miles and we chit chat while we do it.  The walk does not seem like exercise this way and I like having fun with my buds.  I am so sorry I cannot make it tonight.  Next week for sure.  UGGGG This stinks.  I will no longer be getting alot of steps in.  GRRR.  Ah Well.

Tonight I had a NSV (Non Scale Victory).  One I was not even looking forward to.  Usually I wear pretty bulky shirts that help to disguise my jelly roll (LLOOLL).  By random happenstance I tucked my shirt into my jeans.  OMG!!! Know what I saw for the first time in a long time?  NOTHING!!!!! There was no jelly in my jelly roll.  It was missing.  I could see my toes without seeing any chub.  HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am not saying there is no chub, just a lot less from the last time I checked.  WOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NSV for Me...NSV for MEEE!

86 Days Until Dragon Con

Many years ago at my Weight Watchers meeting there was a discussion about Anchors.  In this realm an anchor is something that keeps you grounded, reminds you why you are doing this and to help give encouragement when things are not going well.  One of my anchors is a plain piece of ribbon.  I cut it off of a spool and wrapped it around the largest part of me, my hips.  I tied a bow and went on.  I did this several years ago.  I still have that ribbon and when I am low, I get that ribbon out and wrap it around my hips and look at all the progress I have made.  There are inches of extra ribbon where it was tight before.  This is something I have to do at home.

The Whole Key Chain

Weight Loss Charms

Attendance Charms

Another anchor I have is a key chain that Weight Watchers gave me when I signed up.  I have this one hanging off of my pen cup at work.  Weight Watchers gives you additional charms for key accomplishments.  Many of the accomplishments are attendance based.  I continue to go no matter how I am doing on the scale.  There are a few charms they give you that are scale based.  Those are of course are the ones I am most proud of.  There are also activity charms.  These are something you get when you do some new difficult activity.  I have two of them and am very proud of those also.  I hope to get more of these charms the lighter I become.  When I want to grab the M&M's jar at work I look at my key chain and remember why I am NOT going to hit up that jar.  Some days are a bigger struggle than others.  Still, having these two reminders helps me keep focused and ready for the next challenge.  

87 Days Until Dragon Con

I thought I should take some time to discuss goals.  What are my goals (beyond the obvious)?  I want to be able to feel comfortable cosplaying at DragonCon.  I believe anyone of any size can cosplay.  That is a personal desire and choice.  I am just a coward.  I can not bring myself to cosplay a character that I do not have some physical resemblance to.  How many fluffy ladies are there in fandom?  Not all that many.  So what do I do?  NOTHING.  I go in regular street clothes.  Next year I would love to do something.  I would love to feel comfortable making an ABC (Anything But Clothes) costume.  I just fear my jiggly bits being seen.  LOL There are plenty of people my size doing all sorts of cosplays.  For those who do, I am so excited. I am always happy to see you and am also so envious. You are so BRAVE!!! You are not afraid to show your fandom no matter what your body type.  GOOD FOR YOU!!! YOU ROCK!!!!  For me, I am terrified.  What if someone laughs?  What if someone makes snide comments?  I would be devastated.  I know there are not many con-goers that would say anything negative.  However, there are other people that share the hotels with us that are not con-goers.  From my experiences many of those folks have been alot of Dude-Bro assholes.  I do not want to incite some negativity in my direction so I cower from it.

At the end of all of this I do not expect to be rail thin.  I do want to be able to hide some of my jiggly bits in Spanx and go on.  In terms of numbers I can give you a zillion different numbers I want to see.  Some immediate some for con,. like the 25 lbs. and some for long term.  What I have learned on this journey so far is that success is not all about the numbers.  Sometimes it is alllll about the non scale victories or NSV's.  Those are more tangible.  For example, I have a pair of shorts that I can fit into but are not terribly comfy.  They certainly would not be manageable walking around the con.  I have a non scale goal of comfortably fitting into those shorts for con.  I think that is a reasonable goal, not too long in the future and not too hard to accomplish.  Wish me luck.

88 Days Until Dragon Con

Wow the more I look back, the more I remember my stint into the depths of hell...puberty.  When I hit puberty not only did my weight balloon, my self esteem fell.  Acne set in and so did the bad hair.  UGGG  Remember spiral perms?  I so did not have the bone structure for that.  My teenage years were a nightmare.  I was a giant mess of hormones and depression.  The more depressed and unhappy I was, the less I went out to were I could be seen by others and therefore be made fun of.  The less I went outside, the less activity I got.  The less activity I got the heavier I became.  The heavier I became the more depressed and unhappy I became.  See the cycle?  It is not new.   I am sure many others have been in this cycle and still are.  Some people turn to drugs or alcohol to help numb the unhappiness.  I turned to food.  I love food.  Is that why I eat?  I do not think so.  I love to keep my mouth and hands busy.  If it is not gum or suckers, it is sunflower seeds.  I can do small individual candies too- M&M's Skittles, and the like.  Anything that causes my hands to interact with my mouth is like a baseball player with a baseball in hand.  Kind of like things just fit perfectly.  It feels good.

These pictures are one school year apart...8th and 9th grades.  Which one was I older and which was I younger?  I will give you a clue, puberty was about to set in for one of them.  The other was the following year.  YIKES!!! I look like a crazy old lady with road rage issues.  I remembered looking like poo but wowie!

89 Days Until Dragon Con

Julie and I as kids.

I have ALWAYS struggled.  I have often thought about what is my 'problem'.  Is it food?  Is it laziness?  I do not think it is just one thing or another, I think it is many things.  When I was young, my best friend was a twig.  She ate more than I did and was so slender.  I was always at her side and so naturally I was chubby compared to her.  Apart, I was not chubby at all.  I often got teased for my weight and many other things.  I think in a way I was programmed to focus on my weight.  This did not happen overnight.  The focus started early and it took decades to become a daily thought.  How long have you focused on your weight?  It does not matter if you are thin or overweight, How long have you thought about it?  Every day, I think about my weight every day of my life.  Crazy and a little deep, right?  I agree.  Who knows.  Maybe this blog will help my thinking change. LOLOLOL NOT.

ahhh puberty.

90 Days of Dragon Con

Con season is HERE!!!!  Yay.  Last year I did 50 days of Dragon Con where I had all sorts of stories about things I have seen or done at DragonCon over the years.  This year I have decided to discuss fitness.  Or, in my case the lack there of.  RAH.   I am overweight.  This is not something I normally acknowledge let alone share with anyone.  It is not like you cannot tell by looking at me that I am fluffy.  To the world at large, I am fat.  It does not matter what my weight is, it matters what I look like.  I do not look like your typical model or movie star.   In the eyes of the American Society, that is what makes me fat.  In my mind I am fine.  It is my imagination, I know but it is my safety net when the world gets me down.  I have a fantastic fantasy life and in that life my body is always perfect.  Reality is unfortunately nothing like that.  I have been chubby to downright fat for my entire life.  I have ALWAYS struggled.

I have decided to do something MAJOR about it.  I am putting my struggles on BLAST.  Every week   Once a week I will weigh in and let you know how I did and any struggles I have had.  Hopefully this will help keep me accountable.  In the end I hope to lose 25 lbs by Con.  That is 13 weeks away.  I will need to loose 1.92 pounds per week to meet my goal.  Here is to hoping!

Date: 6-3

Time:5:05 pm

Water:26oz

Activities: none

Steps: 3,151

Amount to lose until goal 25 lbs 

Not a flattering picture...it is ok...I need to do this.